Grief and Relief, Together
I can mourn what is gone and feel relieved that it is gone. Both are true.
Have you noticed how two feelings that should not, by any logic, fit together — fit together perfectly inside this kind of grief? You miss them and you do not want them back. You are sad that it ended and grateful that it did. You mourn what was and you celebrate what is no longer happening to you. These are not signs of confusion. These are signs of the truth.
A long, complicated harm is rarely all one thing. There were moments inside it that you grieve. There were also moments inside it that you would not wish on anyone, including the version of yourself who lived through them. Mourning the first set does not erase the second. Being relieved by the second does not invalidate the first. Both are real because the situation was real.
You do not have to pick one feeling to be the right one. You do not have to apologize, even silently, for feeling relieved. You do not have to perform grief past the point where it is true. You are allowed to hold the whole, complicated reality of what you lost and what you are now free of.
This kind of both-and is the shape of integration. It is what wholeness looks like in the wake of complicated loss. You are not failing to feel a single feeling. You are succeeding at feeling the truth, which is many feelings at once.