They're Tracking Your Phone: A Tech Professional's Guide to Digital Privacy After Narcissistic Abuse

I'll never forget the moment I realized she knew things she shouldn't have known.

I was sitting in my car outside a coffee shop I'd never been to before, about to meet with my attorney. My phone buzzed. It was her: "Nice choice. That coffee shop has terrible parking though."

My blood ran cold.

I hadn't told her where I was. I hadn't posted about it. I'd driven 30 minutes out of my way specifically to meet somewhere she'd never think to look. And yet, somehow, she knew.

That text message sent me down a rabbit hole that would fundamentally change how I viewed technology, privacy, and my own digital footprint. What I discovered wasn't just unsettling—it was a wake-up call that pushed me to completely overhaul my digital security. As an IT professional, I should have known better. But like so many survivors, I'd never imagined someone I loved would use technology to control and monitor me.

If you're reading this and wondering whether your phone, computer, or smart home devices are being used against you—I'm here to tell you that your suspicions are probably correct. And I'm going to show you exactly how to protect yourself.

Before we dive into solutions, let me be clear about something: if you suspect you're being monitored, you're probably right. People who engage in narcissistic abuse patterns are often meticulous about maintaining control and gathering information. This connects to how narcissists use information as a weapon to maintain power over their targets. Technology makes this easier than ever before.¹ The Federal Trade Commission reports that stalkerware and spyware apps are increasingly used in domestic violence situations, with abusers using technology to monitor victims' locations, communications, and activities.²

In my case, she had:

• Installed a family tracking app on my phone (with my consent, initially "for safety")
• Access to my Google account (we'd shared passwords "to be transparent")
• Connected to my car's GPS system
• Smart home devices that recorded conversations
• A shared iCloud family plan that backed up my messages

Each of these seemed innocent or even practical when we set them up. That's how digital surveillance works in abusive relationships—it starts with "reasonable" explanations and slowly becomes a cage.³

Here's what I did, and what I recommend if you're in a high-conflict situation:

Get a new phone with a new number.

I know this seems extreme. I know it's expensive and inconvenient. Do it anyway. Here's why:

Your current phone may be compromised in ways you can't detect without forensic analysis. Even if you factory reset it, certain tracking software can persist. And if your abuser has physical access to your device, they can reinstall monitoring tools.

What I did:

• Bought a new iPhone from the carrier (not handed down from a family plan)
• Got a completely new phone number
• Set up a NEW Apple ID that she never knew about
• Gave the new number only to my attorney, therapist, and closest trusted friends
• Kept my old phone active but stopped using it for anything important

If you can't afford a new phone right now:

• Factory reset your current device
• Change ALL passwords (use a password manager—I use 1Password)
• Enable two-factor authentication on EVERYTHING
• Remove all apps you didn't personally install
• Check Settings > Privacy > Location Services and revoke access for suspicious apps

This is where my IT background became invaluable, and where most people miss critical red flags.

On iPhone:

• Go to Settings > Privacy & Security > Tracking
• Check Settings > [Your Name] > Family Sharing (remove yourself if applicable)
• Look for apps like Life360, Find My Friends, mSpy, FlexiSPY
• Check Settings > Screen Time (can be used for monitoring)

On Android:

• Settings > Location > App permissions
• Settings > Apps > See all apps (look for unfamiliar names)
• Check for apps disguised as system tools
• Look in Settings > Google > Manage your Google Account > Security

Red flag app names I discovered:

• System Update Service (fake system app, actually tracking software)
• Device Health (legitimate-sounding but was monitoring everything)
• Any app you don't remember installing yourself

I found three tracking apps on my phone. THREE. One was obvious (Life360). The other two were disguised as system utilities.

This is tedious but absolutely critical. I spent an entire weekend doing this, and it was worth every minute.

Change passwords for:

• Email (all accounts)
• Phone carrier account
• Banking and financial apps
• Social media
• Cloud storage (Google Drive, iCloud, Dropbox)
• Streaming services (yes, even Netflix—viewing history can reveal location)
• Any shared accounts (create new ones if you can't remove the other person)

Critical: Enable two-factor authentication

Use an authenticator app (Google Authenticator, Authy) rather than SMS codes. SMS can be intercepted or accessed if someone has access to your carrier account.⁴ NIST cybersecurity guidelines recommend authenticator apps over SMS for two-factor authentication due to vulnerabilities in SMS-based verification.

Revoke access:

• Google Account > Security > Third-party apps with account access
• Apple ID > Password & Security > Apps Using Apple ID
• Facebook > Settings > Apps and Websites

I discovered she had access to my Google account, which meant she could see:⁵

• My Gmail
• My location history
• My Google Calendar (including attorney appointments)
• My search history
• Everywhere I'd been while signed in on Google Maps

This one shocked me. Modern cars are surveillance devices on wheels.

Check these:

• Built-in GPS/navigation systems (can store location history)
• Connected car apps (like Toyota Connected Services, GM OnStar)
• Any OBD-II devices plugged into your car's diagnostic port
• AirTags or Tile trackers hidden in the vehicle

What I found: She had access to my car's connected app, which showed:⁶

• Real-time location
• Trip history
• Speed
• Fuel level

I had to contact the dealership to completely remove her account access. Then I manually checked my entire car for physical tracking devices. I found an AirTag hidden in my trunk, tucked into the spare tire well.⁷

If you lived together and have any smart home devices, assume they're compromised.

Common culprits:

• Amazon Echo/Alexa
• Google Home/Nest
• Ring doorbells and cameras
• Smart thermostats
• Smart locks

My solution: I factory reset every smart device and set them up on entirely new accounts with new email addresses she didn't know. Some devices, I just replaced entirely.

Pro tip: Check your Amazon account > Content & Devices > Manage Your Content and Devices > Devices. Look for devices you don't recognize or that she might still have access to.

Here's the thing about going through all these steps—you need to document the digital surveillance for your custody case, but you also need to protect yourself. Understanding best practices for documenting abuse for court will help you preserve this digital evidence in a format that holds up legally.

What I did:

1. Took screenshots of every tracking app, every location permission, every suspicious account access
2. Saved everything to an encrypted external hard drive (not cloud storage)
3. Shared copies only with my attorney
4. Then removed all the tracking apps and revoked all the access

Document before you delete. Your attorney needs evidence of the monitoring for court.

Even after securing everything, I had to change my habits. Digital privacy isn't a one-time fix—it's an ongoing practice.

My new rules:

• Never post real-time location on social media (only post where I've been after I've left)
• Turn off location services for social media apps
• Use a VPN when on public Wi-Fi (I use ProtonVPN)
• Don't click links in unexpected texts or emails (phishing attempts to regain access)
• Check my phone permissions monthly
• Use Signal or WhatsApp for sensitive conversations (end-to-end encrypted)
• Assume anything I text in standard SMS can be accessed

If you have children and share custody, this becomes exponentially more complicated. I'm still navigating this with my daughters. In custody situations where surveillance extends to the children's devices, the VR and metaverse harassment guide covers emerging digital threats that go far beyond phone tracking.

The reality:

• Your ex might give kids phones or tablets that have tracking enabled
• Kids innocently share information ("Dad took us to Chuck E. Cheese!")
• Family tracking apps might be court-ordered in some custody situations

My approach:

• I have honest, age-appropriate conversations with my girls about privacy
• I don't forbid contact but I do teach them what information is private
• I document any concerning monitoring in my parenting journal
• I work with my attorney on appropriate boundaries vs. surveillance

My 10-year-old understands that some information is "family private" and doesn't need to be shared with mom unless it's safety-related. My 7-year-old is still learning.

Look, I'm lucky. I have IT skills and could figure most of this out myself. But even I needed help.

Consider hiring a professional if:

• You find tracking software you can't remove
• You suspect your computer or phone is compromised at a level you can't fix
• You need forensic evidence for court
• You're not tech-savvy and feel overwhelmed

A forensic tech expert can cost $500-2000, but if you're dealing with serious surveillance in a custody case, it's worth it. The documentation they provide holds up much better in court than screenshots.

I need to acknowledge something that doesn't show up in tech guides: discovering you've been digitally surveilled by someone you loved is traumatic. This kind of violation often triggers the same hypervigilance symptoms seen in C-PTSD, and recognizing that response helps you respond to yourself with compassion.⁸ Research from the National Network to End Domestic Violence documents how technology-facilitated abuse causes significant psychological harm, including heightened anxiety, hypervigilance, and symptoms consistent with PTSD.⁹

When I found those tracking apps, I felt violated in a way I'd never experienced. I questioned every conversation, every location I'd been, every private moment that maybe wasn't so private. I wondered what else she knew, what else she'd seen.

It took weeks before I could trust my new phone. I'd catch myself covering the camera, wondering if somehow she'd found a way in again. That hypervigilance is normal. It's also exhausting.

Give yourself grace. This isn't paranoia—it's a natural response to having your privacy invaded. Talk to your therapist about it (I did). The violation of digital surveillance is real trauma.

You deserve privacy. You deserve to have conversations, go places, and live your life without someone monitoring your every move.

Yes, taking these steps is time-consuming and expensive. Yes, it's frustrating that you have to do this at all. But I promise you, the peace of mind is worth it.

Since securing my digital life:

• My attorney appointments stay private
• My conversations with my therapist are actually confidential
• I can go somewhere without a confrontational text about it later
• I can breathe

That's not paranoia. That's freedom.

If you're reading this and recognizing red flags, don't panic. Take it one step at a time:

Today:

1. Check your location services and app permissions
2. Change your most critical passwords (email, banking)
3. Enable two-factor authentication

This week:

1. Factory reset or replace your phone
2. Check your car for tracking devices
3. Document everything before you remove access

This month:

1. Set up new accounts she doesn't know about
2. Consult with your attorney about evidence
3. Develop operational security habits

You've got this. And if you need help, reach out to a domestic violence advocate or a tech professional who specializes in digital safety. You don't have to figure this out alone.

I'm two years into this journey now, and I can tell you: life on the other side of digital surveillance is so much lighter. You'll get there.

Stay safe. Stay private. Take back control.

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Digital Privacy and Safety:

• National Network to End Domestic Violence - Safety Net - Technology safety and privacy resources
• Electronic Frontier Foundation - Digital privacy guides and tools
• Signal - Encrypted messaging app
• ProtonMail - Secure email service

Legal and Support Resources:

• American Bar Association Family Law Section - Find family law attorneys
• Legal Services Corporation - Find free legal aid
• National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Crisis Support:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline - Call or text 988 (24/7)
• Crisis Text Line - Text HOME to 741741

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Marcus is an IT professional and father of two daughters navigating a high-conflict custody situation. He writes about technology, privacy, and father's rights in the context of narcissistic abuse recovery.