The Software Engineer Who Built a Spreadsheet to Track His Own Abuse

I'm a software engineer and data analyst. I've built predictive models for Fortune 500 companies. I can find patterns in terabytes of messy data. I solve problems with code and spreadsheets.

So when my wife told me I was "forgetting things" and "rewriting history" and "losing my mind," I did what any good analyst would do. What I didn't know yet was that this kind of systematic reality distortion has a name — gaslighting is one of the defining tactics of narcissistic abuse, and the self-doubt it produces is entirely by design.

I started tracking the data.

Three years later, I had 847 documented incidents across 23 categories in a spreadsheet that would eventually save my custody case—and my sanity.

This is the story of how a spreadsheet showed me I wasn't crazy. I was being abused.

Incident #1:

Date: 4/14/2019 Time: 8:47 PM Category: Gaslighting Description: Lisa said she never agreed to watch kids Saturday so I could play basketball. I have text from 4/10 where she said "yes, Saturday works." Her response when I showed her: "I said I'd THINK about it. You always twist my words." My emotional state: Confused, frustrated, doubting myself Evidence: Screenshot of text conversation

I didn't know I was documenting abuse. I thought I was documenting my failing memory.

Why I started tracking:

My wife Lisa had been telling me for months that I was:

• Forgetting conversations
• Misremembering agreements
• Making things up
• Rewriting history to make her look bad

I'm a detail-oriented person. I'm good with data. So the idea that I was constantly wrong about basic facts didn't make sense.

But she seemed so certain. So convincing.

I started to believe maybe something was wrong with me. Early-onset dementia? Stress-related memory issues? Undiagnosed ADHD?

So I started tracking incidents where my memory and her memory conflicted.

I thought the data would show me where I was wrong. I thought it would help me fix whatever was broken in my brain.

I had no idea what the data would actually reveal.

By month 3, I had 31 documented incidents.

I started noticing patterns.

Pattern #1: I was rarely wrong

When there was objective evidence (texts, emails, calendar entries), my memory was accurate 96% of the time.

Her version of events was contradicted by evidence 94% of the time.

I wasn't losing my mind. She was lying.

Pattern #2: Denial was systematic

She denied saying things with such consistency that I created a subcategory for it.

Examples from the spreadsheet:

"I never said I'd pick up your dry cleaning." (Email evidence: "I'll grab your dry cleaning tomorrow")

"I didn't tell you dinner was at 6. I said 6:30." (Text evidence: "Dinner at 6 tonight")

"I never agreed to that budget." (Signed document dated 3/2/19)

Pattern #3: The goal was my self-doubt

When I showed evidence, she didn't say "oh you're right, I was mistaken."

She said:

• "You're twisting what I said."
• "That's not what I meant."
• "Why are you keeping receipts on me? That's creepy."
• "Normal husbands don't interrogate their wives."

The pattern was clear: She wanted me to doubt my own perception.¹

By month 6, I'd added 17 additional categories.

Because it wasn't just about denying conversations. There were other patterns.

Categories I tracked:

1. Gaslighting (denying previous statements/events)
2. Financial control (restricting my access to money I earned)
3. Criticism (personal attacks on my character/appearance/competence)
4. Silent treatment (days of refusing to speak to me)
5. DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim/offender)
6. Threats (regarding divorce, custody, finances)
7. Triangulation (using kids against me)
8. Double standards (rules that apply to me but not her)
9. Isolation (preventing contact with friends/family)
10. Monitoring (checking my phone, location, emails)
11. Projection (accusing me of things she was doing)
12. Blame-shifting (everything is my fault)
13. Moving goalposts (changing expectations so I always fail)
14. Withholding affection (punishment through withdrawal)
15. Public humiliation (criticizing me in front of others)
16. Rage episodes (disproportionate anger)
17. False accusations (claiming I did things I didn't do)

Plus 6 more subcategories for specific tactics.

Each category had:

• Date/time
• Description
• Her words (verbatim when possible)
• Context
• My response
• Outcome
• Evidence (screenshots, recordings, witnesses)
• Emotional impact on me

I was building a database of my own abuse.

I still didn't call it that.

December 2020. 18 months into tracking. 384 incidents documented.

I was analyzing the data (because that's what I do with data) and I created some visualizations:

Graph 1: Incidents by category Top 3: Gaslighting (147), Criticism (89), Financial control (67)

Graph 2: Incidents by day of week Spike on Sundays (my day off) and Thursdays (when I played basketball with friends)

Graph 3: Escalation over time Clear upward trend. From 8 incidents/month in early 2019 to 34 incidents/month by late 2020.

Graph 4: Incident severity Rating scale 1-10. Average severity increasing from 4.2 to 7.8 over 18 months.

I was staring at my graphs when it hit me:

This is data on systematic psychological abuse.

I googled "psychological abuse patterns." The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes the Power and Control Wheel—the lists matched my categories almost exactly.

I googled "gaslighting." The definition described 147 of my documented incidents.

I googled "narcissistic abuse." I read for four hours.

Every tactic. Every pattern. Every manipulation strategy.

My spreadsheet was a perfect data model of narcissistic abuse.

Some categories were harder to track than others.

What projection is: Accusing someone else of behaviors you're engaging in.

What my data showed:

Incident #217 (8/3/2020): She accused me of "always being on my phone" and "ignoring the family." Reality: Her screen time average (per phone data): 7h 42m/day. Mine: 2h 18m/day.

Incident #301 (11/15/2020): She accused me of "being financially irresponsible" and "spending money we don't have." Reality: She'd spent $3,200 that month on clothes and home decor. I'd spent $147 on work expenses and gas.

Incident #339 (1/22/2021): She accused me of "emotionally abandoning the family." Reality: I did breakfast every morning, coached our son's soccer team, did bedtime routine 6/7 nights. She was on her phone during family dinner every night that week.

The pattern: Everything she accused me of, she was doing. The data was clear.

This was the scariest category.

Incident #412 (4/8/2021): She told her mother (while I was in the next room) that I'd "grabbed her arm aggressively" during an argument. Reality: I had not touched her. I had a Ring camera that showed the entire interaction. I showed her the video. Her response: "The way you were looking at me felt violent."

Incident #508 (8/19/2021): She told our marriage counselor I had "anger issues" and had "thrown things during fights." Reality: I had never thrown anything. In 9 years of marriage, I had raised my voice exactly 4 times (all documented). Evidence: I asked the counselor if she wanted to see my documentation. Lisa said this was "evidence of my obsessive need to be right."

Incident #644 (2/11/2022): She told our pediatrician she was "concerned about my mental stability around the children." Reality: I had never been anything but patient and loving with our kids. Outcome: Pediatrician documented her concern in the file. This could have destroyed me in a custody case.

I realized: She was building a case against me.

And I was building a counter-case with data.

One of the most important patterns: The abuse was escalating.

January 2019: 8 incidents, average severity 3.2/10 July 2019: 18 incidents, average severity 4.9/10 January 2020: 27 incidents, average severity 6.1/10 July 2020: 34 incidents, average severity 7.3/10 January 2021: 41 incidents, average severity 8.2/10

Clear upward trajectory in both frequency and severity.

Trigger events that correlated with spikes:

• When I got a promotion and raise (spike in financial control and criticism)
• When I reconnected with college friends (spike in isolation tactics)
• When I started therapy (spike in DARVO and false accusations)
• When I mentioned being unhappy in marriage counseling (spike in everything)

The data showed: Any threat to her control = escalation of abuse.²

By the time I filed for divorce (March 2022), I had 847 documented incidents.

Here's what the data showed me:

I wasn't crazy. My memory was accurate. Her gaslighting was systematic. The documentation proved it.

The abuse was real. 847 incidents across 23 categories isn't "bad marriage" or "communication problems." It's systematic psychological abuse.³

It was getting worse. Clear escalation over 3 years. If I'd stayed, the data predicted continued escalation.

She was methodical. The patterns were too consistent to be random. This was strategic, calculated, systematic control.

I had evidence. Every incident: dated, described, categorized, often with screenshots, recordings, or witness statements.

I could prove my reality. When she denied it in court, I had 847 receipts.⁴

My divorce attorney had never seen anything like it.

Documentation like this is exactly what attorneys mean when they advise survivors to keep records of what abusers don't want documented. For male survivors especially, paper trails are the difference between being believed and being dismissed.

"You have three years of documentation? In a spreadsheet? With categories and evidence?"

He looked at my data visualizations—graphs showing escalation, pattern analysis, incident frequency by trigger event.

"This is incredible. Most clients have some texts. You have a statistical analysis of abuse."

How the spreadsheet helped in court:

Custody evaluation: When she claimed I was "unstable" and had "anger issues," I presented:

• Data showing I'd raised my voice 4 times in 3 years
• Evidence of her rage episodes (74 documented)
• Pattern of her false accusations
• Timeline showing escalation of her behavior, not mine

Financial discovery: When she claimed she had no money and needed maximum support, I presented:

• Data showing her spending patterns
• Evidence of accounts she'd denied having
• Timeline of her controlling access to money I earned

Parental alienation claims: When she started poisoning the kids against me, I presented:

• 67 documented incidents of her using kids as weapons
• Pattern of triangulation
• Timeline showing this was long-standing behavior, not new

The judge's response:

"I've never seen such thorough documentation. Mr. Chen has clearly established a pattern of concerning behavior by the respondent."

We got 50/50 custody.

In a state that favors mothers. Despite her claims I was unstable. Because I had data.

When people learned about the spreadsheet, reactions were mixed.

Supportive responses:

"That's brilliant. You built a case."

"I wish I'd documented like this."

"This saved you in court."

Concerning responses:

"That's kind of obsessive, don't you think?"

"Normal people don't track their marriages in spreadsheets."

"Maybe you were looking for problems that weren't there."

"That's controlling behavior—tracking your wife like that."

The irony:

If a woman documented her husband's abuse, she'd be called "smart," "prepared," "protecting herself."

When a man documents his wife's abuse, he's "obsessive," "controlling," "the real problem."

The cognitive dissonance:

People could look at 847 documented incidents of abuse and somehow conclude that documenting it was the problem, not the abuse itself.

Being a male victim of female abuse is lonely.

According to the CDC's National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, approximately 1 in 9 men in the United States experience contact sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner.

What I experienced:

Disbelief: "She's 5'4" and 120 pounds. How is she abusing you?" (As if psychological abuse requires physical dominance.)

Mockery: "You let your wife control you? That's embarrassing, man." (As if I "let" someone manipulate me.)

Blame: "What did you do to make her act like that?" (As if I caused my own abuse.)

Dismissal: "Every marriage has problems. Don't be so dramatic." (As if 847 documented incidents is normal marital conflict.)

The double standard:

When I showed people my spreadsheet:

If they believed women could abuse men: "This is horrifying. I'm so sorry."

If they didn't: "This spreadsheet proves you're the controlling one."

Same data. Opposite interpretations. Based entirely on whether they could accept male victimization.

I'm not saying everyone should build a spreadsheet (though it worked for me).

But I am saying: Document. Everything.

Why documentation matters for male victims:

Research published in Partner Abuse journal documents that men face significant barriers to recognition as abuse victims, including societal stereotypes and underreporting.

1. It validates your reality

When you're being gaslit, documentation is your anchor to truth. You're not crazy. The evidence proves it.

2. It protects you from false accusations

She will likely claim you're the abuser. Documentation proves otherwise.

3. It's critical in custody cases

Courts are biased against fathers. Evidence overcomes bias.⁵

4. It shows patterns over time

One incident can be dismissed. 847 incidents with clear patterns cannot.

5. It counteracts her credibility advantage

Society believes women over men. Data levels the playing field.⁶

What to document:

• Date, time, location of every incident
• What happened (objective description)
• What she said (verbatim if possible)
• What you said/did in response
• Witnesses present
• Evidence (screenshots, recordings, emails)
• Impact on you

How to document:

• Spreadsheet (my method)
• Written journal (dated entries)
• Voice memos (timestamp and describe incidents)
• Dedicated email account (email yourself details)
• Parenting apps (OurFamilyWizard, TalkingParents)

When to start:

Now. Today. The moment you recognize a pattern.

Don't wait until you're filing for divorce. Build the evidence file now.

Three years. 847 incidents. Countless hours of data entry.

I wish I'd never had to build it.

I wish I'd married someone who didn't systematically abuse me.

I wish I'd recognized the abuse sooner and left earlier.

I wish society believed male victims so I didn't need 847 receipts to be taken seriously.

But I did build it. And it saved me.

It saved my custody case. It saved my sanity. It saved my ability to be a father to my kids.

Was it obsessive? Maybe.

Was it necessary? Absolutely.

Because without that spreadsheet:

She would have convinced everyone I was the unstable one.

She would have gotten primary custody.

She would have won.

Instead, I have 50/50 custody. I have my kids. I have my sanity.

And I have a spreadsheet that proves I'm not crazy.

It's been 2 years since the divorce was finalized.

The spreadsheet sits in a locked folder on my computer. I haven't added to it since the custody order.

What the spreadsheet documented:

• 847 incidents of abuse
• 23 distinct manipulation tactics
• 3 years of escalating psychological warfare
• Statistical proof of narcissistic abuse

What the spreadsheet couldn't capture:

• The PTSD that triggers when someone raises their voice⁷
• The hypervigilance that makes me monitor everyone's mood constantly
• The difficulty trusting new people
• The shame I felt for being a male victim
• The isolation of having no one believe me
• The relief when the judge finally validated my reality
• The joy of living without eggshells

The spreadsheet was evidence. But it wasn't healing.⁸

Healing came from:

• Therapy (2+ years of weekly sessions)
• Support groups for male survivors
• Rebuilding relationships with friends I'd been isolated from
• Time with my kids in a peaceful home
• Learning to trust my own perceptions again
• Forgiving myself for staying so long

The hypervigilance and PTSD symptoms I developed — constantly monitoring everyone's mood, struggling to trust — are common in survivors of prolonged psychological abuse. Understanding hypervigilance in C-PTSD helped me understand what my nervous system had been through, and why healing was going to take time.

If you're reading this and thinking about starting your own documentation:

Do it.

You're not being paranoid. You're being smart.

You're not being obsessive. You're being protective.

You're not the problem. You're the problem-solver.

And if you're reading this and recognizing yourself in my story:

You're not crazy.

Your reality is real.

Male victims exist.

You deserve to be believed.

Document everything. Build your case. Protect yourself.

Because society won't believe you without receipts.

But with evidence—with data—you can prove your truth.

I did. You can too. And if you're a father fighting for custody, know that documentation is one of the most important tools for dads in high-conflict custody cases — not just for proving abuse, but for demonstrating your active, consistent presence in your children's lives.

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Resources for documenting abuse:

Digital tools:

• TalkingParents (documented communication with timestamped evidence)
• OurFamilyWizard (co-parenting communication app with court-admissible records)
• Google Sheets/Excel (free spreadsheet tools)
• Evernote/OneNote (searchable digital journals)

Best practices:

• Date and timestamp everything
• Be objective and factual (not emotional) in descriptions
• Save all evidence (screenshots, recordings where legal, emails)
• Back up your documentation in multiple locations
• Share access with trusted friend or attorney

Legal considerations:

• Check your state's recording laws (one-party vs. two-party consent)
• Consult attorney about what's admissible in your jurisdiction
• Don't use documentation to harass or retaliate

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Legal and Documentation Support:

• Legal Services Corporation - Find free legal aid
• WomensLaw.org - State-specific legal information (also covers male victims)
• American Bar Association Family Law Section - Find family law attorneys
• National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) (24/7)

Mental Health and Trauma Support:

• Psychology Today Therapist Finder - Find trauma-informed therapists
• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) - Mental health education and support
• EMDR International Association - Find certified EMDR therapists
• SAMHSA National Helpline - 1-800-662-4357 (24/7)

Crisis Support:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline - Call or text 988 (24/7)
• Crisis Text Line - Text HOME to 741741

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Daniel is a software engineer, data analyst, and father of two. He survived three years of documented narcissistic abuse and now advocates for evidence-based approaches to proving domestic abuse in family court.